Dig My Own Grave

“I need to learn from my mistakes, or I’ll dig my own grave” – New Found Glory

So this is it for me. High school is over, adulthood is on the horizon. Everything I have done so far in life has gotten me here, and now it’s over. A chapter of my life is over. In fact, it’s more than a chapter. Part One in a trilogy is over. The fellowship has failed. I must now press on to Mount Doom alone, and without a gardener to help me. Perhaps I’ll find a Gollum to lead me on my way and keep me on my toes. Perhaps I’ll make the trek into Mordor entirely alone. In either case, it’s time.

Many of us, when we reach the stage of transition into adulthood, have some changes we feel we need to make. We know what we need to do in order to make ourselves better, and what better time than now. Only some succeed though. It has been a recent discovery of mine that maturity, as far as mental and emotional development is concerned, ends early in high school if not beforehand. The only thing that can force people to be different from this point on is struggle, and that struggle is not life getting more difficult. Life has the same amount of challenges now as it did in school and as many as it will have in the future. The only difference is the consequences for failing to rise to the occasion. Those who failed in high school felt little recompense, but now will feel the full sting of their payment. I plan to avoid that.

As humorous as it may sound, Wikipedia helped me figure out that I needed to make a change. I somehow stumbled onto a few articles concerning internet addiction and procrastination, and realized just how many of the “symptoms” apply directly to me. I have been lazy and impulsive to a very large degree, and the procrastination article spelled out exactly how I do it. This troubled me, in this time where if I am going to make a difference in life, I need to start now.

Seeing everything spelled out though has helped me to see exactly what I need to do to change. I plan to do it. I plan to break all of my negative habits and build upon my talents, which have been buried for far too long. I hope to do what many cannot, and make these critical changes. I see so many people on the street now being irresponsible and it finally makes sense…I can see what they were like in high school. I can see how many of my peers’ lives are going to progress from here. I can see so many things that I thought kids grew out of that they don’t…that adults do and make up excuses for. There is no great change that comes of hitting a magical age or suddenly living a different life. There is no maturing…at least unforced maturing. I don’t want to do that. I won’t do that.

I will write. I will practice. I will exercise. I will set goals. I will follow my interests. I will make a difference NOW, not later. I will read again. I will not waste time. I will not surf endlessly. I will not keep a bad sleep cycle. I will not keep bad habits.

This has been another terrible installment of random, jumbled thoughts written down not for the benefit of readers and not in an anywhere near acceptable fashion, but because I felt compulsed to write what I was thinking and straighten things out. Quality and professionalism must be sacrificed for the sake of introspection. If I were only going to be professional I would make a secondary blog for that purpose. Somehow, I still don’t think it would be very good though.

Adversity

Adversity is one of the things that makes you who you are. I learned this the hard way over the past two years, and it seems as if it’s going to fight to the last breath. However, such is life. I hate the suffering and stress involved, but in reality, I wouldn’t be who I am without it.

During my sophomore year of high school, I was your average teenage kid. Sure, maybe I thought a little bit more than some and yes I tried to hold myself to some sort of moral standard, but that was about it. Responsibility was something to be shunned and dreaming of what I had the potential to do with my life took up most of my time. That and Civilization II and III.

My responsibilities and workload increased exponentially my junior year. I essentially forgot how to have fun, and I stopped socializing. It got so stressful that at one point the only thing I relied on emotionally was my girlfriend…which turned out to be a very bad move and introduced me to whole new levels of pain. I had college-level tests to prepare for, I had practices and performances with the many band groups I was involved with, I had my church responsibilities. I got stuck in a microcosm of the blue-collar rat race much of America is stuck in. At least, however, things were relatively predictable, and the path was clear. I knew what I had to do, I knew how to do it, and it all relied on my own abilities. I know that sounds controlling, but for someone as odd as myself it feels like a necessity.

Senior year things really began to heat up. I was Drum Major of my marching band, which I cared very much about. I put my heart and soul into trying to help that band have a great year and do the very best it could. Unfortunately, I also happened to be a Drum Major for a band director who did not choose me. As hard as I tried and as many times I tried to address the situation, little communication took place, little support was given, and I was left without knowing what was expected of me, what I was allowed to do, and what rules to follow. I failed to be a good leader and I failed to help the band improve.

There was also the college question. Not knowing where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do made life very stressful and difficult. On top of that, AP Calculus has been one of my weakest subjects. I also had to work away at the requirements for Eagle Scout with the deadline of my birthday looming in the distance.

Most of this is done or almost done. Wednesday I sit the AP Calc exam, and so I need to spend every waking moment studying. However, there is also a large project that was just announced as due Thursday, and I will be busy with Scouts most of Wednesday. It’s adversity. The year is almost over, and yet I still have a long ways to go. The home stretch is not easy. Senior year is a lie.

Also, I’ve been trying to get a job for six months now, and I’ve had absolutely no luck. Not one interview. Not even a single returned call. I can’t pay for college. I have enough money to keep me alive on my own for maybe two months. No job, and a miniscule amount of scholarship money. It’s a nightmare. One might wonder why God would put us through this, after we’ve tried so hard to serve him.

I’m sorry if this appears to be whining, I’m trying not to. I’m trying to make a point. I’ve changed a lot since I started having trouble, since things became difficult. I’m a new person, a better person. I accept responsibilities and I have a better work ethic. I’m mature, I can handle pain pretty easily, and I’ve set my priorities straight.

The truth is, adversity is a good thing. God isn’t punishing me, and He isn’t making life so hard just because He feels like it. He’s forging me into a worthy servant. If I have learned by walking through fire, what will stop me afterwards? I’ve learned so much in the past two years, and it probably outstrips the past ten years in life value. There is a point to all of the hurt. There is a point to all of the times bad things happen to good people (although I can’t claim to be a good person).

He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to put our faith in him, to pray like He’s our only hope to pay for college and then work like we expect nothing. I haven’t been rewarded yet. I’m scared out of my wits for the future. The entire rest of my life could hinge on the next few weeks, and there has been no sign of the storm letting up. What if I don’t finish my Eagle? What if I don’t pass my test? What if I can’t pay for college…or a mission? It’s terrifying.

But you know what? I have faith. Things are gonna be okay eventually. Maybe not now, and maybe not for a while, but it will all work out for my best interest. God will not abandon us, it is only us that abandons him, when the skies grow dark. Remember that.

I’ll keep praying, and I’ll keep searching, and I’ll keep applying, and I’ll keep working hard. Eventually, I’ll get the money. Eventually, I’ll get it done. I know it.

Counter Culture

After many weeks of preparation, my podcast is finally off the ground. Focusing on the “hottest topics of the day”, we discuss life and culture with a humorous spin. And a sound guy who has a hard time keeping quiet.

http://tannerkrenzvarietyh.blip.tv/#781615 is the site, Counter Culture is the (current) name. If you’re curious as to why my posting has been sparse, you should go check it out. Now that this beast is finally out of the pipes, I ’spose I have some writing to do, yes?