My Lighthouse

For a long time I’ve been flipping back and forth between two things I absolutely love, trying to produce something in one medium or the other.  The first is my love of music, which I’ve had as long as I can remember.  Songwriting is a passion, understanding different types of music and what makes them enjoyable or beautiful is something I’ve spent a huge chunk of my life thinking about while listening to my latest favroite record spin.  The other is storywriting, which I have pursued through Never Ending Stories, short story competitions, and a number fictional worlds.

For the longest time I’ve been pulled back and forth like one of Dr. Doolittle’s Pushmepullyous. I’ll start writing a book, and then stumble upon a new band and get lost in the music, after which I’ll decide to compose music or play some guitar. Halfway through either, I’ll think about the connections between all of us as people or a compelling story, which will prompt me to write a short story or blog. The cycle goes round and round without me really putting enough effort into any of my projects to make it worthwhile or produce decent results. It doesn’t always change as fast as I’ve made it sound, but it’s there. I’ve got what some might call A.D.D., but it’s really just a love of too many things. Remember that kid in grade school who never knew what he wanted to be or always wanted to be something different the next time the teacher asked? Yeah, that’s me.

Fortunately, I’ve had another “eureka” moment. The conclusion is quite obvious, but in all honesty, most “a-ha!” moments are.  So often we can “get” something without really “getting” it until we look at it a different way.  The different paradigm is not explainable in any tongue, it’s not really all that different.  Yet somehow it makes all the difference in the world.  That’s how it was for me.  Stupid?  Perhaps.  Obvious?  Definitely.  Strange?  No, not at all.  Like I mentioned earlier, it’s something we all experience, we all feel at some point.

For Isaac Newton, it was an apple.  For Timone, it was a big rock.  For me, it was a song by Sonata Arctica.

Why not combine the things that I love?  After all, it’s only Common sense, Genius.

Dig My Own Grave

“I need to learn from my mistakes, or I’ll dig my own grave” – New Found Glory

So this is it for me. High school is over, adulthood is on the horizon. Everything I have done so far in life has gotten me here, and now it’s over. A chapter of my life is over. In fact, it’s more than a chapter. Part One in a trilogy is over. The fellowship has failed. I must now press on to Mount Doom alone, and without a gardener to help me. Perhaps I’ll find a Gollum to lead me on my way and keep me on my toes. Perhaps I’ll make the trek into Mordor entirely alone. In either case, it’s time.

Many of us, when we reach the stage of transition into adulthood, have some changes we feel we need to make. We know what we need to do in order to make ourselves better, and what better time than now. Only some succeed though. It has been a recent discovery of mine that maturity, as far as mental and emotional development is concerned, ends early in high school if not beforehand. The only thing that can force people to be different from this point on is struggle, and that struggle is not life getting more difficult. Life has the same amount of challenges now as it did in school and as many as it will have in the future. The only difference is the consequences for failing to rise to the occasion. Those who failed in high school felt little recompense, but now will feel the full sting of their payment. I plan to avoid that.

As humorous as it may sound, Wikipedia helped me figure out that I needed to make a change. I somehow stumbled onto a few articles concerning internet addiction and procrastination, and realized just how many of the “symptoms” apply directly to me. I have been lazy and impulsive to a very large degree, and the procrastination article spelled out exactly how I do it. This troubled me, in this time where if I am going to make a difference in life, I need to start now.

Seeing everything spelled out though has helped me to see exactly what I need to do to change. I plan to do it. I plan to break all of my negative habits and build upon my talents, which have been buried for far too long. I hope to do what many cannot, and make these critical changes. I see so many people on the street now being irresponsible and it finally makes sense…I can see what they were like in high school. I can see how many of my peers’ lives are going to progress from here. I can see so many things that I thought kids grew out of that they don’t…that adults do and make up excuses for. There is no great change that comes of hitting a magical age or suddenly living a different life. There is no maturing…at least unforced maturing. I don’t want to do that. I won’t do that.

I will write. I will practice. I will exercise. I will set goals. I will follow my interests. I will make a difference NOW, not later. I will read again. I will not waste time. I will not surf endlessly. I will not keep a bad sleep cycle. I will not keep bad habits.

This has been another terrible installment of random, jumbled thoughts written down not for the benefit of readers and not in an anywhere near acceptable fashion, but because I felt compulsed to write what I was thinking and straighten things out. Quality and professionalism must be sacrificed for the sake of introspection. If I were only going to be professional I would make a secondary blog for that purpose. Somehow, I still don’t think it would be very good though.