Adversity

Adversity is one of the things that makes you who you are. I learned this the hard way over the past two years, and it seems as if it’s going to fight to the last breath. However, such is life. I hate the suffering and stress involved, but in reality, I wouldn’t be who I am without it.

During my sophomore year of high school, I was your average teenage kid. Sure, maybe I thought a little bit more than some and yes I tried to hold myself to some sort of moral standard, but that was about it. Responsibility was something to be shunned and dreaming of what I had the potential to do with my life took up most of my time. That and Civilization II and III.

My responsibilities and workload increased exponentially my junior year. I essentially forgot how to have fun, and I stopped socializing. It got so stressful that at one point the only thing I relied on emotionally was my girlfriend…which turned out to be a very bad move and introduced me to whole new levels of pain. I had college-level tests to prepare for, I had practices and performances with the many band groups I was involved with, I had my church responsibilities. I got stuck in a microcosm of the blue-collar rat race much of America is stuck in. At least, however, things were relatively predictable, and the path was clear. I knew what I had to do, I knew how to do it, and it all relied on my own abilities. I know that sounds controlling, but for someone as odd as myself it feels like a necessity.

Senior year things really began to heat up. I was Drum Major of my marching band, which I cared very much about. I put my heart and soul into trying to help that band have a great year and do the very best it could. Unfortunately, I also happened to be a Drum Major for a band director who did not choose me. As hard as I tried and as many times I tried to address the situation, little communication took place, little support was given, and I was left without knowing what was expected of me, what I was allowed to do, and what rules to follow. I failed to be a good leader and I failed to help the band improve.

There was also the college question. Not knowing where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do made life very stressful and difficult. On top of that, AP Calculus has been one of my weakest subjects. I also had to work away at the requirements for Eagle Scout with the deadline of my birthday looming in the distance.

Most of this is done or almost done. Wednesday I sit the AP Calc exam, and so I need to spend every waking moment studying. However, there is also a large project that was just announced as due Thursday, and I will be busy with Scouts most of Wednesday. It’s adversity. The year is almost over, and yet I still have a long ways to go. The home stretch is not easy. Senior year is a lie.

Also, I’ve been trying to get a job for six months now, and I’ve had absolutely no luck. Not one interview. Not even a single returned call. I can’t pay for college. I have enough money to keep me alive on my own for maybe two months. No job, and a miniscule amount of scholarship money. It’s a nightmare. One might wonder why God would put us through this, after we’ve tried so hard to serve him.

I’m sorry if this appears to be whining, I’m trying not to. I’m trying to make a point. I’ve changed a lot since I started having trouble, since things became difficult. I’m a new person, a better person. I accept responsibilities and I have a better work ethic. I’m mature, I can handle pain pretty easily, and I’ve set my priorities straight.

The truth is, adversity is a good thing. God isn’t punishing me, and He isn’t making life so hard just because He feels like it. He’s forging me into a worthy servant. If I have learned by walking through fire, what will stop me afterwards? I’ve learned so much in the past two years, and it probably outstrips the past ten years in life value. There is a point to all of the hurt. There is a point to all of the times bad things happen to good people (although I can’t claim to be a good person).

He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to put our faith in him, to pray like He’s our only hope to pay for college and then work like we expect nothing. I haven’t been rewarded yet. I’m scared out of my wits for the future. The entire rest of my life could hinge on the next few weeks, and there has been no sign of the storm letting up. What if I don’t finish my Eagle? What if I don’t pass my test? What if I can’t pay for college…or a mission? It’s terrifying.

But you know what? I have faith. Things are gonna be okay eventually. Maybe not now, and maybe not for a while, but it will all work out for my best interest. God will not abandon us, it is only us that abandons him, when the skies grow dark. Remember that.

I’ll keep praying, and I’ll keep searching, and I’ll keep applying, and I’ll keep working hard. Eventually, I’ll get the money. Eventually, I’ll get it done. I know it.